Disorder
by RiapsedEndOf
Summary: In their usual chase, Shizuo finally manages to beat Izaya - he didn't really think about what would happen after he demolished him. Now Izaya's in the hospital and, what's more, he's got a Dissociative Identity Disorder that leads to the creation of new personalities: Psyche, Sakuraya? These new guys... they're much easier to deal with. A short story from Shizuo's POV.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello, readers! This is a short story that will be four chapters long. It's already completed, so you won't have to worry about any hiatus. I think I'll be putting out a chapter each Wednesday, if not earlier.**

 **The Izaya alternates portrayed in this include Psyche, Roppi, Sakuraya, Hibiya, and Virus-138.**

 **Hope you like my attempt at portraying things from Shizuo's point of view. uvu**

 **Enjoy~**

* * *

 _Disorder._

"What's your name?"

Izaya doesn't look at Shinra, even though he's the one who has addressed him. He just starts turning his head and stops at me instead. His eyes are so hard, not glinting tauntingly with that smug smirk twisting his mouth like it always used to. I don't respond, though I admit my eyes narrow. I don't want to even _look_ at him…but something _is_ off. He might have been right; fine, I admit it.

Shinra, I mean.

Not Izaya.

I know it's _my_ fucking fault, though, so I wish he'd stop pestering me. That's the whole reason I came to this damned place… A hospital. Who would've thought I'd meet the flea _here_ , of all places.

I want to not care, but I actually feel like it really is my fault, so I had to give in to Celty's unspoken words and Shinra's coaxing eventually. I hate to admit it, but if what they said was true then Izaya was pretty fucked up.

Not that he wasn't already.

Little shit.

Anyway, I'm starting to get a little uncomfortable under Izaya's practical glare, knowing he never glared like _that_. Where is that damned smirk I hate so much? Fuck, why am I here, anyway? I'm starting to rethink my decision of coming here… My lips tighten around my unlit cigarette – I can't smoke; damn it.

Fucking hospitals.

Izaya finally stops gazing coldly at me and looks at Shinra with a frown. "You know who I am, dumbass."

"Ah—ahaha…" Shinra laughs nervously. Celty isn't in the room; she's waiting outside. "I don't think he's met you yet, though," Shinra points out, gesturing to me. I look at the underground doctor. So that damned flea doesn't know me, huh?

Good riddance.

"So?" Izaya returns, his lip curling. I don't remember real disgust on his features before, not that I really bothered to look for it anyway. "You don't ask me my name like I'm some little kid. Besides, do you really think I want to meet people right now?"

"I dunno," Shinra responds lightheartedly. "I thought maybe you were in a good mood."

Izaya gives a dry, flat, ' _hah_.' He looks at me with those hateful eyes again, and I look back with calm impassivity. I'm only slightly irritated, but that doesn't change the fact I utterly despise the man sitting up in his hospital bed, a bandage wrapped around his head. Plus the other bandages and that tube sticking in his arm to keep him attached to an IV. "Why are you here?" he asks me. That voice is so cold.

Well, fuck you too.

"I'm here because Shinra dragged me here," I answer dully, my thumb jerking towards the man in the lab coat. "What the hell, Flea, you think I don't have a soul? I care enough to make sure you're not dead, Izaya." I frown, and his eyes narrow.

"Izaya?" Izaya scoffs, and I furrow my brow. "I prefer Roppi."

Shinra looks at me as if he's trying to tell me that this is what he was talking about. A plaintive, 'Do you get it now?' I want to punch him, but I won't. Instead I look away from Shinra and back to Izaya. Yes, I'm still calling that little shit 'Izaya' no matter what he _prefers_. My eyes are narrowed. "Look, Izaya," I say in a low voice, "I'm not gonna play your damned game. Your name is Izaya – Roppi doesn't make any fucking _sense_."

He's picking at the IV tube in his arm. His mouth twists into a smirk, but it's not the kind I'm expecting. It's more bitter than his normal smirk in all its smugness. "Of course Roppi makes sense; that's my _name_. I can tell you're not the brightest, are you?" He tilts his head, and suddenly he seems like his old taunting self again.

I take my cigarette out of my mouth. "Are you really trying to push me in a situation like this?" I growl.

"Shizuo, don't do anything rash," Shinra comes in; I want to punch him again. Shut up, Shinra. "He really doesn't—"

"He's smart; he's choosing to make want to kill him," I snapped. "If he doesn't want to die, he'll shut up. He's smart enough to know that he's in a bad situation that could get him killed."

"Hoh?" Izaya smiled wryly. "Is that a threat?" The smile widens. "Come and get me; if your conscience can take it, that is."

That's it. I snap my cigarette in half between my fingers and drop it to the ground, squashing it beneath my shoe. A growl rumbles in my throat. "Izaya…"

"Shizuo, please," Shinra interjects, grabbing my shoulder before I can do anything. I jerk my shoulder away and walk threateningly towards the flea; he's all I can see; no thinking, just acting out what my anger wanted me to do: beat him to a pulp; wipe him off the face of the earth; fucking _kill_ that flea already! Why won't he just die?!

I'm ignoring Shinra's pleas to get me to stop – probably shouldn't've brought me here, huh, Shinra? Real dumb idea, dumbass; you _know_ I hate this guy.

Fuck, Izaya, why won't you just—

He doesn't react when my fist grips at the collar of his loose shirt and I'm about punch him. I'm lifting him from the bed by his collar and Shinra is talking behind me but that—fucking— _flea_ is just _smiling_ at me. I clench my teeth and raise my free fist higher for the hit.

"Why are you hesitating?" he asks me.

Fuck you.

His head tilts. "Go ahead and kill me," he says, and I just wanna—

Wait, what?

His smile is gone now. "Go on. Kill me. Kill me now, why not? You want to, right? So get it over with. Kill me; kill me and _get it over with_."

I'm staring at him. I don't get it. This really wasn't Izaya; no, I don't think he'd say something like that. Right?

Well, in any case, I don't feel so angry anymore; huh. I guess I'm done for now.

My hand releases his collar, and he falls to the bed. He rubs the back of his neck and seems to glare at nothing; his gaze is averted from me now. He starts picking at the IV tube in his arm again. I take a step back; I still don't want to be in close proximity. My eyes close in irritation.

"I told you, Shizuo, he's not himself," Shinra speaks; he sounds distressed. Oh well. My fault I guess. Whatever. His hand's on my shoulder again and I want to shrug it off but I decide to be nice and not move. He moves his hand away on his own, but I'm not any less tense. "You can't do that, okay?"

I respond with a noncommittal grunt and take out a cigarette to stick between my lips, knowing I can't light it anyway.

"I…think you have my point." Shinra laughs weakly. "We'll be leaving, ah, Roppi. Sorry to trouble you. Come on, Shizuo…" He addresses me, now, and I'm staring at this supposedly-not-Izaya for another second or two before I turn around and walk towards the door without a word. Shinra's following me. I feel like I could maybe leave him behind forever, never to see him again. It's a great feeling.

"Bye, then," Izaya bids us farewell, his tone biting and taunting at the same time. "I truly hope we don't meet again."

I pause. I don't know why that pushes it for me, but it does. I mean, it's bad enough I didn't even want to come here; I already feel like shit knowing I—

I'm walking toward him; I fling my fist right at him. My body moved on its own, but I restrained myself enough not to break his face; he should be grateful; that little—

His eyes aren't cold now; they widen and blink and – what the fuck? – his lip quivers, and he looks at me with these wide, hurt eyes. And then he starts to cry. What the hell, Izaya.

I don't care. It wasn't that bad; that's not you at all; shut up. I turn around and walk right out the door, adjusting my sunglasses as if that hadn't happened. Shinra's making broken noises, unsure what to do, probably. Eventually he's following behind me. I don't look back, even for a second.

* * *

It was two weeks ago when he got stuck in that damned place. Izaya, that fucking flea, he shouldn't have taken a single step into Ikebukuro. I found the bastard walking the sidewalk, holding up a cell phone and smiling that twisted smile. The moment I saw him I was growling out the beginnings of his name only to feel it rise into a yell.

He turned to me and flashed a smile. "Ah, Shizu-chan!" he beamed, just as I chucked the closest object to me right for him: a large metal trashcan. He dodged, and the chase began. I tore a street sign from its cement base and ran after him, nothing but murder on my mind. Rage fueled my actions as I wreaked havoc on the city in my chasing of that damned flea.

And to _him_ it was a fucking game.

To me, I wanted to kill him.

God damn the fact I almost did.

It was all the same as any other chase; I could never seem to catch him, just like an actual flea – honestly, he is such a pest… – and there was always that annoying attitude in everything he did. Just…the way it almost looked like he was having fun; all smug because I couldn't catch him. God _damn_ that flea, I just wanted to get him once and for all…

I pressed ahead and gripped my street sign until I could feel the metal bending in my grip; it was like a plastic cup to me, just putty in my hand. He'd made a sharp turn into an alley – it's one we've run down before – and it was here I made my move and swung my current weapon at him, aiming to slam him into oblivion and half expecting to miss, knowing how it always worked with that damned flea.

And then, contact. Actual contact.

It was easy, like hitting a baseball with a baseball bat, and then he flew forward from the impact. I watched, grinning; I finally got him. Satisfaction. He flew right into the street just as a truck came; I watched the damned thing slam into him even harder than I had hit him with a street sign; watched Izaya slam into it like a ragdoll and tumble over it, head-over-heels as if he were already dead.

If that god damned truck hadn't come right then, he would have slammed into the wall of a building, got up, and brushed himself off like nothing had happened. If that god damn _fucking_ truck hadn't come, he wouldn't be in the hospital right now.

I went up to him calmly as he lay on the street; I left my weapon behind in the alley. The truck had already screeched to a halt ahead of the crash site. I honestly expected the flea to get right up and start running again like nothing had happened, but there was blood around him and I guess I knew that he was unconscious. It was weird, because in that same street, back in high school, that flea had caused me to get hit by a different truck. Only I wasn't as affected.

God damn it, Flea…

"Oi, Izaya," I said, nudging his face-down body with my foot. I rolled him over with that same foot; his eyes were closed and his head was bleeding – _he_ was bleeding – even though he was still smiling – of course he was, fucking little shit. I scowled at him, but really my chest was tightening because I thought I'd killed him.

It disgusted me just to touch him, but I had to make sure he was alive. " _Where the fuck do you find a pulse…?_ " I muttered to myself as I tried to find one somewhere on his neck. Agh, whatever.

I stood; I was the one who called 119, but I didn't wait around for the ambulances to come and for two weeks I didn't even visit him. I got a call from Shinra – who checked up on him every so often, unlike me – saying that he would stay alive, and that was all I needed.

I couldn't care less about anything else. In fact, I'd be _glad_ if I'd killed him once and for all.

…But not really.

Even though that damned flea calls me a monster, and even though he's right, I still have a conscience. I'm not heartless.

Actually, that asshole ended up in a coma for three days, and I was fine with that as long as I hadn't actually caused the death of him. He woke up and wouldn't even talk for another two days or so – Celty expressed her concern to me, but I honestly didn't give a shit. Izaya had it coming to him; he really did. He was an utter asshole, and the world knew it.

Well, a lot of the world. Whatever.

When he started talking again, he wasn't himself. Celty told me it was like he'd switch personalities at random, and none of them acted quite like Izaya. Shinra said it was almost like some kind of Multiple Personality Disorder, or some shit like that.

All because I actually got him. Fuck him, making me feel guilty like this. I shouldn't even feel so bad anyway; he _deserved_ it, the asshole; little _shit_ that he was.

Fuck… I really do hate violence.

* * *

 **Sorry for the swearing (=7=)/ We're working with Shizu-chan, after all...**

 **Tell me your thoughts! I hope you enjoyed. uvu**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you for the follows and favorites so far! =7= I've decided to make this a Wednesday-Friday kind of update, so here you go!**

* * *

"That was probably Psyche, at the end, there," Shinra remarks as we walk away from the hospital. I don't respond, just flick on my lighter and light my cigarette, finally. "Psyche is another one of the personalities, you know. He's, ah…"

"A wimp?" I suggest flatly. I inhale a drag of my cigarette and exhale a puff of smoke.

"Well, kind of," Shinra answers me. "You see, I have all of his personalities recorded; there are five in all; so far at least." I listen with an impassive expression, silently slightly irate about all this. He doesn't have to go on about it. Him, Celty, and I are all walking the back alleys of the city to reach their house. I'm apparently eating lunch there. "Two of them are Roppi and Psyche; those are the ones you saw today, obviously." He lifts a notebook and taps it. "I have all of their names and traits right in here. You can look through them if you want; I find it to be very interesting myself. All of this is. It seems that Izaya has disassociated from himself; I mean, I find it odd that not once has he called himself Izaya since he woke up; he doesn't even know who Izaya is. It's like the original is just gone. I think that maybe all of his personalities are pieces of him, which is odd considering a lot of their traits are so very unlike the original. I'm curious as to whether Izaya will come back or if he's fragmented into—"

"Shut up, Shinra." My voice is low and irritable. "I'm not going back after that. If he pulls himself together, great. If not, I _really_ don't care. Just drop it."

Shinra looks at me, then gives a small sigh. "Alright."

I hear tapping, and then there's a phone held up to my right. I look at it. [Aren't you at least a little bit worried?] Celty pulls it back before adding, [I don't like him either, but I feel like we should at least be worried about something like this.]

"No," I grunt, "I'm not worried. I don't give a single shit." And I leave it at that.

* * *

I don't go back until a week later. As much as I hate to admit it, I do feel guilty for causing this. God damn it, fucking flea just had to do this kind of thing; letting himself get hit and now in the hospital; fuck him, that damned asshole…

I fucking _swear_ ; if he's faking this I really _will_ kill him.

But I hate knowing it's my fault and not doing anything… Shinra hasn't said anything about him, so I'm guessing he hasn't made any progress. Still acting like however many people Shinra said. There's no way in hell that I'm letting people like Shinra or Celty know I'm actually checking on him, though. I guess in the long run it doesn't matter, but my point is I don't care about Izaya as Izaya. I care because he's a human being whether he acts like it or not, and contrary to his accusations, I am not some soulless monster, god damn it.

When the reception woman asks me who I'm visiting, I have to bite out his name; damn, I really hate him. Why the fuck am I here again? Tch… I close my eyes and concentrate. Technically it's not _Izaya Orihara_ I'm coming to see anyway. It's whoever he is when I walk in. And if it's that Roppi guy, then…well, I won't be there all that long if he decides to sneer at me again. I'd be in and out. No killing fleas today.

Unfortunately.

I take a deep breath to calm myself. I really wish I could smoke in this damned place. Ugh, well, too late. She told me the room number and I'm already in the elevator. It doesn't take long to get to it, really, and when I walk in and see that— _flea_ sitting there, I immediately want to lose it and go for the kill. Then he looks up at me with this blank look and tilts his head in curiosity, and it isn't really Izaya I'm looking at anymore, even though it's taking a lot to stay calm and give him a chance. I feel my eyebrow twitch as I close the door behind me – I can't leave it open; fucking hospitals.

If they lose their door, it's not my fault. It's theirs.

"Hello," he smiles kindly at me. Okay. That…isn't right at all. That's just creepy.

Well, at least I don't want to kill him.

Though if he gets too unnerving – this was originally a deranged sociopathic asshole, remember – then I might have to leave.

"Is something wrong?"

I look at him; his brow is creased in worry; oh great, so this flea-oid has a heart. "Nah," I respond, my demeanor calm and impassive. "What's up with you?"

"Um, I'm doing alright, I suppose," he answered. "I'm sorry, do I already know you?" He sounds hesitant.

Does he recognize me? Oh, fuck. Wouldn't it be just fucking great if he became Izaya again right now? And then he'd taunt me for caring so much for a damned _flea_ when really I don't give shit. _Fuck_ , just thinking of Izaya is _pissing me off_ …

"Why, do you recognize me?" I ask. My voice is a little harder than I intended, but that's probably because my thoughts of Izaya are making me want to break this damned hospital wall right here. Or some other wall.

Or Izaya's face.

He blinks. "No… I'm sorry." Oh, good. "My name is Sakuraya…it's nice to meet you." He gives a little bow with his head. I don't bother to bow in return. I just look at him. "What's your name, sir?"

"Shizuo," I respond bluntly. "Say, Sakuraya, do you know who Izaya is?" I half-cross my arms, bringing one of my hands to the unlit cigarette in my mouth.

Izaya blinks. "Izaya?" He seems to think, and suddenly there's recognition. "Yeah, I do know who Izaya is," he says.

So he does know that, at least… "Who is he, then?" I frown.

"Izaya is the person Mr. Shinra keeps asking about," Izaya smiles. "I think he's his friend."

I'm looking at him; I take my cigarette from my mouth. Scratch that. He really doesn't know who he is. Did I really cause something so serious? What the fuck is _wrong_ with me; I _am_ a monster…

Damn it.

But wait, isn't he better this way? I think of the cold eyes of the Roppi character. I guess it depends upon who else is in his head…

"Is…Izaya your friend too?" His voice snaps me out of my thoughts.

I twitch. "Hell no. I fucking hate that flea. With a passion."

He blinks. "Oh. Sorry." He shifts, looking uncomfortable.

I frown. "Tch, don't be sorry." I stick the unlit cigarette back between my lips.

"Okay," he answers. His too-nice eyes are still inspecting me. "Um, can I ask something?"

"What." Talking about that maggot even for a second throws me off.

"Um, what's 'fucking'? An adjective? I've never heard it before."

I release a long sigh. Great. He wasn't serious, was he? I change the subject back to what's important. "So you have no idea who Izaya really is."

"Um, no," Izaya answers. "You seem irritated… Am I supposed to know him? Or is it because I said something?" His voice is soft.

"I'm not irritated," I snap, and he flinches slightly. He seems hurt. What the fuck; how could this fragile thing be acting in Izaya's body? There's no fucking sense in this at all, damn it. I ignore his discomfort and continue in my investigation. "How do you feel, mentally, then?" I ask him. I don't know how else to put it, and now that I think about it, it sounds like a stupid question.

"Well, I had a nice dream last night," he smiles, and I frown deeper.

"That's not what I _meant_ —you know, never mind." I take a deep breath and try again. Let's see how Izaya-like this Izaya is. "What do you think of me so far?"

"Well…" – he shifts – "…you seem pretty nice, even though you have a short temper. I feel like enough time spent with you, and you could actually be a good friend."

Nope. That isn't Izaya.

"What do you think about humans?" I ask with a deeper frown.

"Humans?" Izaya responds. "What do you mean?"

I sigh. "In general, what do you think about humans?" My tone is a little flat; I'm trying not to sound frustrated.

"Um, well, humans are nice." He's smiling that sweet, naïve smile again. How that nice of an expression can form on Izaya's face I may never know.

Well, anyway, that answer isn't helping.

"Do you know how you were made?" I inquire flatly.

"Made? Well, I was born… A baby sent from God, I guess?" He puts an index finger to his lower lip and tilts his head. "That's how people are made, I think… Is that what you mean?"

"No." I pinch the bridge of my nose and close my eyes.

"A crane?"

"No."

"A mom swallows a fresh soul and it's born from their body?"

" _No._ " What the fuck does that even _mean_? "What do you remember before this place, then?" He doesn't answer. I open my eyes again and look at him.

"I…" His gaze is averted from mine, one of his hands to the side of his face. "I don't…remember…" His voice fades off into nothing, and he's quiet again.

I look at him, waiting for something. Eventually I speak. I'm impatient. "Oi, uh, Sakuraya…" It's weird calling him that.

He looks at me and tilts his head; his eyes are dull. "Sakuraya?" he asks. "You must be mistaking me for someone else. Sorry. Wrong room."

"Then who the fuck are you?" I'm frowning again. God _damn_ it, I was having a conversation with someone here. _Now_ who am I talking to? It better not be Izaya.

"Roppi." He speaks dully.

Fine. I'll talk to him instead. I cross my arms halfway again, taking my unlit cigarette from my mouth. I decide to play along with this multiple personality thing. For now. "Oh, right, I remember you. Sorry, I'm bad at names." I'm forcing myself to be my calm, impassive, not-angry-or-frustrated self.

He averts his gaze. "Eh, whatever. Why are you here this time?"

I furrow my brow. He doesn't sound enthused. Then again, I'm not too enthusiastic about being here, anyway. "Because I want to figure some stuff out."

"What kind of 'stuff'?" he answers, sounding irritable. He's looking at me now. I can see hate in his eyes.

I frown deeper than I already am. "Do you hate me or something?" We just met a week ago, right? Maybe this guy has Izaya's hate of me. Or something like that.

"Yeah," he confirms, smiling bitterly.

"Why's that?" I ask calmly.

His eyes narrow and the smile is gone. "I hate humans," Izaya tells me. "I hate every human there is; all of humanity." He pauses, his eyes deadening. "That is why."

He hates humans, huh?… How very…unlike him. So un-flea-like. I don't know what to say. "Hmm," is my response instead. There is a pause. "Someone" – a damned flea – "once told me that I wasn't a human but a monster. What do you say to that?"

"I say they're stupid."

I nod, taking my cig from my mouth and pocketing it. I don't need it for now; it's unlit anyway. "Do you think you're human?" I inquire. That damned asshat did often seem like he had a God Complex or something.

His eyes narrow bitterly; his expression shows clearly his distaste. "Yes, I'm a human too; a filthy human."

I eye him, eyes narrowing slightly; it's not necessarily out of anger. I don't speak aloud my initial response. Then I speak. "Well, you know, Roppi, maybe that isn't so bad. Being a human, I mean. We're not all that bad sometimes."

He doesn't answer. Eventually, I leave, and he does nothing to stop me.

* * *

I head back again a few days later. You know, maybe these new guys aren't so bad, and after all, the guy's still attached to the IV; not even _physically_ well yet. This is still because of me, remember.

No matter what, though, I cannot stop thinking of the original Izaya when I look at his face. No matter what expression he's making, no matter how nice or sweet or not-Izaya-like, it still looks like that flea, and so I will think of that flea.

I'm escorted to the room this time; a nurse needs to check on him anyway. I ask if I need to wait outside, but she tells me it'll only be a minute. She opens the door to his room – 206 – and she looks confused. I look in too.

The bed is empty.

Damned troll; little _flea_ is what he is; god _damn_ it, Izaya, now what the hell are you thinking?… The nurse seems relatively unsurprised, which surprises me a little in itself knowing that, well, shouldn't doctors _worry_ when their patients are out of their beds when they shouldn't be? Must not be good doctors, I guess. Damned hospitals.

So now I'm stuck waiting; I kind of want to leave here – no point staying if he's going to take a while; I have no patience – but the nurse tells me to wait as she uses the phone to call someone. I'm listening to her half of the conversation. "Oh, you've got him? Good…" I wish I could smoke. God damn this place… I'd be crazy too if I had to be stuck here. Spent too much time in hospitals as a kid already.

Eventually I hear yelling down the hall. "Here he comes," the nurse says to me, and I look up, sitting one of the chairs in here. The nurse opens the door and soon there are doctors dragging a writhing, yelling Izaya into the room.

" _No_ , you can't keep me here; you can't keep me here; get _away_!" he's yelling as he writhes and kicks. The doctors push him down onto the bed, and I'm just watching. "Whaaat?! You think I'm crazy, huh?! Fuck you!" He decidedly licked one of the doctor's faces as his only available defense.

Okay, Izaya was pretty fucked up, but he wasn't _that_ weird.

I don't think.

Right?

Well, the not-flea's silenced anyway because the nurse injected a sedative into him. Thank God, too, he was starting to get on my nerves. Shinra runs into the room just then. "What happened; what's going on?" he asks, concerned, and then he looks at me and blinks. "…Shizuo?"

"…Hey."

Well, I guess I'm caught. Oh well.

Izaya gets reattached to the IV and now he's just lying there. That's it. Shinra and I are sitting next to each other now, in different seats. It's quiet all around. I want to leave, but Shinra's presence makes me reconsider.

"So…you decided to come back after all," Shinra says eventually, smiling at me. "If you're wondering, that one was probably the one called 'Virus.' "

I don't answer. I just want to smoke right about now. Nah, I want to go _home_. Not spend my time here at this god _damned_ hospital waiting for this god damned _fucking_ flea to wake up.

"If you want, you can look through the five he has," Shinra offers, holding up the notebook again. It's a dark blue color.

I only grunt in answer. I'm irritated being stuck in this place, just waiting. It always has irritated me, waiting in these places. Especially when I was the one hurt, and I couldn't freakin' _move_.

Whatever.

Shinra seems to realize that I'm not going to read his notes, and sets it beside him. Actually, I'm kinda curious, but I don't feel like letting him know that.

"I'm starting to wonder if maybe they really do reflect a piece of him; wouldn't that be interesting? But if that's the case, then there's definitely something we're missing about the original Izaya…"

I don't answer. I don't _care_ about the original Izaya. He's _annoying_ , and to be honest the world would be better off without him. A very, very large part of me is hoping that Izaya won't come back, and we can keep these five, whoever they are.

Speaking of annoying, I'm also really hoping Shinra will shut up soon.

"…Virus is the only one that doesn't think he's human, oddly enough, though there is one of them that thinks he's above humanity. Apparently Virus is 'incomplete,' whatever that may mean. Perhaps it's a personality that only formed halfway…though Virus doesn't know who Izaya is either. Virus is probably the most unstable of all of them…"

"Oi," I cut him off, and he looks at me. I hold out my hand. "Give me that notebook."

He blinks. "Oh, of course…" He picks it up from the floor and hands it to me.

I open it to the first page; the first page is all on the one called Roppi. I scan through the notes:

 _\- Hates humans_ _(Izaya's opposite?)_ _nah  
_ _\- Traits: calm, dull, irritable, sad (?),_ _bitter  
_ _\- Depressive – possibly suic.?  
_ _\- enjoys_ sweets _(How weird!)_

I only get that far before I hear shifting from the bed and I look up to find the flea waking up.

Sorry. Not flea. Flea-oid.

Whatever…

I close the journal-thing and hand it back to Shinra. "Ah—" He looks at me, then to Izaya. "Good morning!"

Izaya pushes himself up and leans on the head of the bed, grimacing. He looks at the clock. "It's afternoon, dimwit," he frowns.

I raise my eyebrows without much other expression, pulling out my not-allowed-to-be-lit-anyway cigarette in preparation of dealing with this guy.

"Well, you just woke up," Shinra smiles in turn. He's so…cheerful. "So I said good morning."

Izaya rolls his eyes and looks at me. "Now who the hell are you?" he asks me, and I frown.

"Shizuo," I respond bluntly. "Who the hell are you?"

"Why are you visiting me if you don't know me?" he shoots back, raising his eyebrows.

Great. This one's annoying.

"He's here with me," Shinra comes in before I can answer. "This is Shizuo Heiwajima; would you like to introduce yourself?"

Izaya straightens. "My name is Hibiya Subarashii," he says, holding out his hand. I grunt and stand in order to shake his hand. "Pleased to meet you, Shizuo Heiwajima." I can tell easily by his voice he's not so thrilled. He releases my hand and looks at Shinra; I sit down again. "Shinra, what is the date?" he inquires, and Shinra tells him, sounding a little bemused.

"Why do you ask?" he asks, tilting his head.

"I have blank spots," Izaya answers flatly. "Pockets of time I can't seem to remember what I was doing; probably only sitting here anyway. Obviously these doctors are terrible; for all I know they're feeding me too many drugs. You'll take care of that, I assume?"

"Of course," Shinra nods.

I furrow my brow. Those pockets are probably when he was Virus or Roppi or what's-his-name, the nice one, right? I guess Shinra's just saying that to humor him.

I listen idly to Izaya and Shinra talking to one another for awhile, most of the time holding back a very strong urge to throttle this new Izaya. He's prideful and irritating and really needs a punch to the face. Eventually I get too irritated and stand, muttering some kind of goodbye to Shinra before I walk out the door.

* * *

 **Thank you for reading! Next chapter's coming out next Wednesday. Reviews are very welcome! Feedback is great~**

 **I hope all you lovely readers have a fabulous day~**


	3. Chapter 3

**Second to last chapter, readers! u.u**

* * *

I don't come back again for awhile. I just see no point in going to visit the flea when people like 'Hibiya' or 'Virus' could be waiting for me. Or Izaya himself, even though I'm starting to get that he's not coming back anytime soon…

…God damn it, this is all my fault. This is my biggest issue, here. I can't _not feel bad_ …

…Fuck.

God _damn_ that flea…he just had to split off into however many people and lose himself and make me feel bad about causing it. Typical of that little maggot, making me feel like _shit_ because I'd finally got him… God _damn_ that fucking flea!

In any case, I need to go back to that stupid hospital eventually because that asshole is making me feel guilty again. I bet deep down that maggot knows that I'm suffering from this, and that's why he's not getting any better. God damn it…

Well, whatever… I come back maybe almost two weeks after my last visit. I enter the flea's hospital room to find him sitting up and toying with something that I think might be his jacket; you know, that dumb Eskimo-looking one. He looks up at me and his expression just _lights up_.

I really don't know what to think.

"Yay, a new visitor? Hi, Mister!" he greets in excitement.

I'm…creeped out. And already annoyed. My lips tighten around my unlit cigarette for a moment before I remove it from my mouth with my thumb and forefinger in order to respond. "Hey. Could I ask your name?" My voice is pretty dull here.

"My name's Psyche," he grins. "What's your name?"

"Shizuo."

"Shi…zu…o," Izaya repeats slowly.

I furrow my brow slightly. "Yeah. Shizuo."

"Okay. Say," – he lifts up that stupid jacket of his – "don't you think this would look better in white?"

My brow furrows deeper. "I guess," I respond in a mostly muttering tone.

"Mister Shinra left these," he smiles at me. "He says it might help me remember something, but then he said he kinda hoped I wouldn't and laughed. I didn't get the joke."

I stick the cig back between my lips again to hide my slight smile. So Shinra's hoping Izaya won't come back too, huh? I mean, yeah, I feel guilty he's in the hospital and everything, but you know, I'm really warming up to the idea of killing off the original Izaya if, well, he's not actually dead. Already the little shit is seeming like…well, not-shit. And calling that maggot not-shit is really being nice when it comes from me.

"He also left some silver rings that I think are really pretty, and he showed me a really nasty-looking knife that I said I didn't want 'cause there's a monster that's been hurting me when I'm sleeping," Izaya informs me. "Good thing he said I couldn't keep it anyway."

Izaya… He's sounding like some little kid.

Wait, what was that? "A monster?" I repeat.

"Yeah," he confirms. He looks kinda bewildered on the topic. "Sometimes I wake up and find scratches on me and I don't know where they came from. I bet you it's a monster; the kind that hides under your bed or in the closet and you always tell the grown-ups they're there but they never believe you."

I stare flatly. Izaya, I know you're annoyingly childish, but really?… Ugh, but what exactly is causing those scratches? Maybe it's the doctors? My brow furrows. Nah, that can't be it… I know it isn't a monster. There's no such thing as monsters, unless it's a monster like me.

I think about the notes I read in Shinra's notebook about that Roppi character. He'd written that he was possibly suicidal, right? Maybe he was hurting himself?

God damn it, Izaya. You're not that type.

…I don't think.

Anyway, Izaya's looking at me with these wide, childish eyes that seem so serious…in a kid-like way. Right. This guy's practically a child. Wasn't 'Psyche' the one I'd hit the first time I came to visit? Yeah, and he'd started crying. So basically, I'm dealing with a kid here…

I've never been good at dealing with kids.

Great. Just great.

Damn it.

"You don't believe me either, about the monster, do you?" he asks me, and I'm brought away from my thoughts.

"Nah, I believe in monsters." It's not exactly a lie.

What scares me is his relieved, happy face when I tell him this. "Really? You do? Finally, a grown-up who listens; yay! Ah, but…why are you visiting again?" He cocks his head to the side like some puppy.

Oh, fuck. I'm comparing that flea-face to an adorable puppy now.

Then again, in any other circumstance that face would irritate the hell out of me to the point of wanting to beat the shit out of that damned flea. Right now, he's not Izaya, right?

No…

Izaya's dead now.

And considering he's still _technically_ alive, I'm okay with that.

"Why am I visiting?" I repeat, removing my cig from my lips. "Well, I just came in to check on you. I visit a few of the people in this place, since I have a…friend here."

"Really?" Izaya asks me brightly. I'm starting to not think of him as Izaya. "Who's that?"

I name the first personality I met. "His name's Roppi, I don't know if you know him." Oh, yeah, I'm sure you've met him once or twice in your sleep; I think he's the monster under your bed.

"Roppi, huh?" Izaya asks curiously, tilting his head. He looks up as if he's trying to remember if he knows him. Unlikely. "Ah, I think Mister Shinra knows him too… He also knows a Mister Izaya. Do you know him, too?"

"Well, I know him, but I don't want to," I respond, trying not to think of that flea too much. As if he isn't in front of me. And you know, it's almost as if he isn't, so I can deal with it.

"You don't want to? Hm, well, okay. Say, you think you and I can be friends, now that we've met? How about it?"

I adjust my sunglasses. "Uh…"

"I already have four friends already, isn't that great?" He's so enthusiastic. "I have Mister Shinra and Celty and Mister Tatsuya and Miss Seino… Mister Tatsuya and Miss Seino are two of the doctors that come in, see. How about it? Will you be my friend?"

I just stare at him, furrowing my brow a little. I'm honestly not sure what to say.

"Well, you don't have to answer right now; that's fine. Maybe you can come and visit again sometime? That would be great! Will you, please?"

"Uh, yeah," I respond. "Sure."

"Oh, I'm so happy!" He pauses and stops looking so cheerful and excited. "Hey, you think I'll get outta here soon?"

I blink at him. I guess I shouldn't tell him I'm the reason he's in here, huh? "I'm sure," I reassure, hoping it sounds sincere when really I have absolutely no idea when he'll get out.

He looks at me. "You think so? Really?"

"Yeah," I answer, and he's all sunshine and rainbows again. It makes me really wonder if there's something wrong with him. Then I remember that there really is.

He starts rambling to me about all of the 'yummy treats' he wants to eat when he gets out. He goes on and on about ice cream and cake and shortcake and cupcakes and other cakes and anything sweet he can think of. Honestly, it's getting me hungry, and at this point he's only succeeding in mildly irritating me. …And making me hungry. My cigarette is between my lips again. Eventually there comes a point where it seems like he's talking more to himself than to me, and it's around here that I turn and attempt to take my leave. He won't notice me gone, it seems like, so why not leave? I'm getting hungry now anyway; might as well feed myself.

His voice calls from behind me. "Shizu-chan, where are you going?"

I freeze completely. My lips tighten around that useless, unlit cigarette. I can hear my heart thudding in my ears in that bad way that means I was just caught off-guard, or I'm about to snap. I turn back slowly. "What did you just call me?"

"Shizu-chan," he beams, and for a second it's the flea again. Is it him? Is this him reemerging, ready to taunt me until I snap at him again and actually _kill him_ this time? Does he _want_ that? I'd gladly send him straight to _Hell_ if he really wanted me to, because I _know_ that's where he's going!

"I called you Shizu-chan!" he repeats again. He seems so fucking _happy_ about the name.

My eyebrow twitches. "Why are you calling me that?" My voice is lower than normal; slower.

He seems to notice something wrong here. Good. Because there is. "Um, I'm calling you Shizu-chan because we're almost-friends, and I thought it was a perfect name for you. Just popped into my head like _ding_! And so I called you it, 'cause it feels right."

I'm glaring at him. This isn't starting up again. It's too…too _flea-like_. I hate it. Despise it. No, I won't let you call me that, you little… But I'm not gonna hurt him or anything.

I walk towards him as calmly as possible; my voice is still low when I next speak. "Don't call me that."

"Why not?" His voice is soft and hesitant. Almost hurt that his 'extraordinary nickname' had been turned down so easily and irately. Too bad. Deal with it.

"Why?" I repeat, and I frown deeply. "Because it's annoying." Then I walk for the door.

"B…but Shizu-chan, where—?"

I close the door behind me.

* * *

I visit with Shinra once; Roppi is waiting. Shinra keeps talking to the guy and he isn't appreciating it. I feel for him; honestly Shinra has a tendency to talk way too much. My unlit cig is, as always, pressed between my lips, especially considering the irritation just Shinra is giving me here. I'm not partaking; just listening until I get annoyed enough to leave. At least it's a conversation instead of some one-sided rambling of medical jargon that no one really cares about. And the topic? Humans.

"I don't know why you're being so negative, Roppi!" Shinra cries. "Not everyone is bad, you know? I mean, you and I are pretty nice, don't you think?"

"Not really."

"But what about the nice things like…like love? I think love is a beautiful thing. The _best_ thing! Or when people help each other, I think that's nice, right?" He's so bright about it.

"Humans are too trusting; they're gullible and predictable," he says, looking dully at Shinra. Shinra seems to deflate at his words. Then he adds, "Izaya knew that too."

I look up; Shinra freezes, blinking. "Izaya?" Shinra repeats. "You know Izaya?" He seems almost excited. Probably thinks he's close to some kind of breakthrough.

Izaya looks at us and gives a sneer. "Yeah," he confirms. "I hate him."

* * *

I'm starting to visit a little bit more often now that I don't feel like it's Izaya I'm visiting. Mostly I find 'Roppi,' 'Hibiya,' or 'Psyche' sitting in the bed. I'm actually okay with Roppi, now, even though a lot of times he's a downer. Hibiya and Psyche are irritating, but at least Psyche I can tolerate. I rarely see Virus – I only had a single conversation with him, and it was about fast food, of all things – and even though I find Sakuraya nice to be around, he comes around less often too.

It's not like I go daily or anything. The guilt's not so bad anymore, so I go maybe once a week, maybe twice. Maybe less. Izaya's been in the hospital for awhile by now, huh? Hah, I guess I should be happy I finally got rid of that flea. How great is this? I think I've finally stopped caring that I caused this whole going crazy thing.

Sometimes I go with Shinra, or both Shinra and Celty. Shinra remarks to me, "How funny that it takes something like this to get you two in a room together without wanting to kill each other." My first reaction is irritation but I realize he's right and feel vaguely amused along with him. Huh.

I start visiting less; I figure he's fine.

Things seem to be going well.

* * *

The last time I visit him in his hospital room he doesn't respond to me coming in the doorway. He's looking off somewhere, away from me, out the window. I think maybe it's Sakuraya. I see Shinra's journal lying open on the small table beside his bed.

Whoever this happens to be chuckles darkly and tauntingly. I feel the urge to snap right then and there, but I don't. I remind myself it isn't Izaya, no matter how much it sounds like him, and I don't move. He turns and looks at me with a twisted smile on his features, then tilts his head to the side, his mouth cruel and his eyes narrow. "I bet…" he says to me, "…that you don't want me back, huh, _Shizu-chan_?"

I stare. Fuck. _Fuck_. It's _him_ , isn't it? It's gotta be, damn it, _damn_ it, the fucking flea is back now?

"Eh?" His head tilts to the other side, his eyes taunting. "Don't recognize me already? Long time, no see, huh? I know _exactly_ what's going on, no need to tell me. Silly Shinra forgot his book and it seems I'm back, at least for now, isn't that great, Shizu-chan?"

I don't answer. Just restrain from beating the shit out of him.

"Of course I remember what got me here." He shrugs nonchalantly. "It was you being your monstrous self and actually nearly killing me; how terrible of you." He clucks his tongue is if I'm some kid that did something naughty. "Landed me in here, didn't you? How terrible. I hope you feel sorry, but I guess that's a lot to hope for when it's from a monster like you."

Don't attack him, don't attack him, don't attack him; God _damn_ _it_ … My hand, still gripping the doorknob, has twisted the metal. The knob breaks off in my hand. It's taking a whole hell of a lot not to beat the shit out of him right now…

Izaya glares at me without a tilted head, now, his mouth still twisted in an ugly way. "You know it, too, Shizu-chan…not just about being a monster. You know you were hoping I wouldn't come back. Isn't that right? You were hoping you really had killed me, even if it was only in mind rather than body." He smirks at that as if it's funny.

My teeth are grinding. He's right, and he knows it. Fuck, I _hate_ it when he's right.

"But I bet you were guilty at first, weren't you?"

I twitch, and that little response makes his smirk widen to a kind of grin-sneer-thing.

"Hoh, you were, weren't you? Shizu-chan actually has a conscience, now, does he? How sweet! Maybe you're a partial human after all, protozoan!" He laughs slightly, and then his mouth twists again rather than remaining in that _stupid_ playful smile, like this was all some _fucking_ game he was playing. "Come on, Shizu-chan, I bet you were guilty at first; otherwise you wouldn't visit your rival at all. But oh, you really didn't care for me and you know it; of course what more can be expected anyhow? You hate me!" He laughs oddly. Annoyingly, too. "But you encouraged _this_." He gestures carelessly to the journal of Shinra's. "You wanted to still have killed me. You wanted me _dead,_ but you wanted me breathing. Not just a monster, but a coward too? Or just a half-monster that's trying to hold on to half a conscience, huh?" He sneers. "Disgusting of you, really," he sighs. "I didn't expect cowardice in you, Shizu-chan." He laughs a small _heh_. "Go on and admit you were guilty; admit you were secretly happy with the results; admit you're disappointed I've returned; admit you don't want me here; _admit_ that you're nothing but—"

My fist slams into the door. Well, it won't work so well as a door anymore. " _Shut up!_ " I snap; my voice is loud. "Shut your _goddamned mouth_ , you little— _fucking—FLEA! You should just die!_ " My own mouth twists into a demented grin. Oh no, I'm not angry. More than angry. Oh, I want to beat the shit out of him _so bad_ … The only thing stopping me was the fact he was making me feel like _shit_ for what both of us know I had been thinking. "It's no wonder we don't want you back, you little piece of shit!" I snap at him.

"Ah, just as monstrous as ever, I see," he grins. "Are you really going to take your anger out on me, a patient at a hospital?"

"Shut up shut up _shut UP!_ " I tear the cigarette from my mouth and snap it in two, then throwing it on the ground and squashing it with my shoe. He's smirking at me and I just want to wipe that smirk _right off_ of that ugly little face of his _so bad_ … The guilt's gone, covered by anger and I'm _blinded_ by the fire fueling me. I'm advancing, his name a low growl in my throat that's rising to a yell.

"Coming to kill me, Shizu-chan, when I can't do a thing?" He's speaking over my growl-yell, speaking fast as I'm advancing; he just _has_ to get those words in, little fucking _flea_. "You really are a monster if you take advantage of this!" he cries in his annoying little sing-song voice. I don't care what he's saying anymore. My body's acting on its own now; I'm in a rage. "That's right," he grins, "come and get me. Come and get me; are you really going to kill me? Go on ahead, if your conscience can take it! Go right ahead and do it, do you really think _I_ care?!"

I freeze. By now I'm lifting him from his bed by the collar; he's hanging there and glaring at me without a smile. That's not right. Roppi; Roppi had said something like that. That wasn't Izaya. Right? I'm looking at him, unsure now of what to do.

His mouth re-twists itself into a sneer. "I knew you wouldn't do it," he says, and I drop him back onto the bed. I wish he'd just _shut the hell up_. The cruel smile on his mouth dissipates and he just looks at me with those cold, dirty eyes. "Now leave." Even his tone is chilled. "There is no need for you to be here, so leave, _Shizu-chan_. Get out. Neither you nor I want you here, and I think it's a little bothersome for both of us, don't you think?"

I give a _tch_ and decidedly throw a punch to his face, whipping his head to the side. I think I hear something in his neck snap. There's a pause, and I think he's laughing now, little fucking _shit_. I just turn around and walk away, not looking back to see that disgusting flea-maggot.

"Goodbye, Shizu-chan."

I don't listen to him. I just leave.

* * *

I try not to think about what happened at the hospital, because when I do I get irritated, and obviously I don't want to think about something that's irritating. It's not that long after that day; I'm sitting on my couch after a day of work with Tom and now I'm tired. I don't want to think, so I don't. I just sit there, don't turn on the TV, and just tilt my head back and close my eyes. It's nice.

Then my goddamned phone just _has_ to ring.

I give a kind of irritated sound and bring my head back up as I fish in my pocket for my cell. I look at the ID; it's Shinra. I never told him that Izaya had come back, this is probably him finding out now. That's it. I sigh heavily and answer the phone. "What." My voice is flat and unenthusiastic. I don't care about Izaya's 'improvement' or whatever. 'Improvement' would probably include him getting amnesia. Or a heart attack. Or something.

I don't really expect what it is Shinra says to me. I'm thrown off, at the very least. He says,

"He's dead, Shizuo."

I just sit there, listening to silence in my ear for a few seconds that seems like longer. I can hear my own heartbeat. "What?" I say again. "Who's dead, Shinra?" My voice is harder than I intend, but I can't breathe right because I know the answer.

"Izaya. Izaya's dead, Shizuo." He pauses before he speaks, as though he has to reprocess it himself.

Fuck no. That can't just happen like that.

"What the hell happened?" I sound irritated even though my chest is tightening. I _was_ the death of him, wasn't I? He was proving a point; that little fucking _flea_ was just—was just—

God _damn it_ …

"I don't know," Shinra sounds subdued. "I just don't know."

I can hear that goddamn voice in my head; it won't shut _up_ ; he's saying, _You've got your wish, Shizu-chan, do you feel guilty yet?_

 _You were the death of me._

 _But you don't_ really _care do you? Because you're a monster._

"Just tell me what the _fuck_ happened; don't give me any shit about how you don't know." My voice is low.

"W-well, I went into his room just a bit ago and he seemed to have overdosed on one or more of the drugs. They started working on him immediately but—he was already gone, so… The doctors aren't sure about how it happened, though; they don't know if it was accidental, lethal, or even…" – don't say it, Shinra – "…self-inflicted. That's all I know, Shizuo; I'm sorry."

It's enough for me. I'm pinching the bridge of my nose while I'm holding the phone with my other hand. I _hate_ Izaya; I _hate_ him _so much_ … It's fucking _stupid_ to feel guilty about this… Fuck, this isn't supposed to _happen_ … He's supposed to fix himself up, get out of the hospital, then someday come back to Ikebukuro where I'll try to beat the shit out of him all over again.

But I can't do that now. I already beat more than the shit out of him, I beat his sanity away and now he's fucking _dead_.

Izaya is dead.

Really dead.

"Fuck," I mutter. " _Fuck_."

"What?" asks Shinra.

"I said 'fuck,' dipshit!" I snap. "God fucking _damn it_ …"

It's quiet on the line for about a minute. I'm not sitting anymore; I'm up and pacing so I don't break something. "I honestly…" Shinra comes in, "…didn't think you'd be so upset about this…"

Normally I wouldn't, Shinra, but that _flea_ just _died_ and left _me_ with all the guilt for it. "Damn it damn it _damn it damn it damn it DAMN it…_ " is my response to him. I keep muttering, mostly to myself, and he's quiet. I feel fucking _sick_ , now; just _great_. Why did he die? I don't _get it_ …

"Hey, Shizuo?" Shinra speaks up eventually.

" _What._ " My voice is even harder than it was at the start of our conversation.

"I was just wondering…do you think…maybe…that we were really missing something about Izaya? I feel like…maybe…we didn't know him so well…"

"He was an asshole," I snap. "He was an asshole, and both of us know it. That's all. He's a dirty flea; a maggot; a pest; an ass-douche-dick; and now he's…he's _fucking_ …" I'm not finishing that sentence. Shinra knows how it would finish anyway.

"Right. He was a pretty terrible person anyway." The underground doctor doesn't sound like he agrees with himself. He just sounds like…like a kid agreeing with an adult's logic just because they feel like they have to. Sounds like he's trying to re-convince himself of it, too, even though it's a _fact_ , and both of us know it. "I'm sorry, Shizuo. I just thought I should let you know."

"Yeah," I say in a tight voice. Too bad I don't care; I don't.

"Goodbye, Shizuo."

"Bye." As soon as we disconnect, I throw my cell phone against the wall; it breaks into more than one piece. I don't even care, just continue pacing, trying to get this _stupid_ guilt off my chest and trying not to break my own house. I kinda need that. It's all this remorse and blame settling on me and I'm just getting so _angry_ but there's nothing I can do about it and there's nothing I can do to fix it.

I think that maybe all those times I tried to kill him, I never really thought he'd die.

* * *

 **Because even though they hate each other, they also need each other, don't they?**

 **...Anyway, please no harming the author. ^^;; No Izayas were harmed in the making of this fanfic-**

 **Ah, let's answer those anonymous reviews~**

 _ **UsUk**_ ** _ShiZaya:_ ** I'm super glad you like it! Every favorite and follow and review means a lot, so a double thank you! ^^

 _ **Guest #1:**_ Golly, I'm glad you think the writing is done well! ;v; I try. As for the shipping, I've always struggled with pairings in general, so don't expect much from me. I'm glad you like it that way! I definitely like them as vitriolic friends, however. Ooo, and I'm super glad you're as intrigued as I am when it comes to DID/MPD. uvu Thank you very much for the review!

 ** _nameless feeling:_** I'm happy to please you! Well...you got your answer - Izaya did, in fact, show up... Uh... Anyway, I'm glad you enjoy the multi-personality thing. I had fun writing it out, and wish I'd fleshed it out a bit further, since it was so fun writing it. Ah, well... There's more ideas to write about! Yeah!

 _ **Guest #2** **:**_ I'm glad you like it! Here's your update~

 _ **Guest #3:**_ Shoving all the alternates into one body was certainly fun. Although, I also like the idea that all of the alternates (from Shizuo to Izaya to even the alternates of Masaomi and Kodota and the others) all live in an alternate realm created in the complexity of Izaya's mind. A literal dreamworld, as all. ( _cough, perhaps that'll be shown in the next short story-cough_ ) I have to say it was fun writing things as Shizuo, too. xD And indeed, Sakuraya is a cutie. uvu

 **One more chapter left! Now, I'm gonna be putting up some DRRR! one-shots starting tomorrow. One-shots are definitely less entertaining in the fun sense, so...well...yeah. The day I put out the final chapter of this story (either tomorrow or Friday), I will also put out the first chapter of my next short story, so...hey~**

 **Say, if you have any plot ideas that you'd like to suggest for me, I'd love to take them in and possibly work on them~**

 **Reviews are welcome; feedback is great! Have a lovely day, everyone~**


	4. Chapter 4

His funeral is this Friday; it's bright and sunny that day and I can't help but find my mouth twisting at how it seems like the gods are celebrating his burial. Maybe this is a good thing; meant to happen. Maybe he really was a pest and some deity above is congratulating me for bringing this upon that maggot. Maybe Karma is laughing his ass off, right now, because all the shit Izaya had caused finally came back around.

But it doesn't stop me feeling sick with this heavy guilt. I really do feel like I might throw up.

I don't go to the funeral. I bet Shinra won't be surprised. If he goes, anyway.

* * *

It's cooler out when I next visit him. The skies are cloudy today; it's dark even though I know somewhere behind those clouds the sun is shining. Somewhere up there.

I stand in front of his grave with my hands in my pockets, a _lit_ cigarette between my lips giving off a gentle cloud of smoke. His stone is so plain…so solid…so… _real_. I press the tip of my shoe to it, feel its existence there. I plant my foot on the ground again, then shift. He's really dead, isn't he? Somehow I still can't believe it… It's weird. I imagined his death again and again in my head, and always it felt much better than right now felt. It wasn't standing in front of a grave filled with guilt, it was finally catching him and _winning_.

Maybe I never actually wanted him dead.

His grave has no encryption other than his name, birth, and death. Died at age twenty-three; what a short life to live. I vaguely wonder who he was when he died. Somehow, I know he must have been himself… It might be weird, but standing here right now knowing he's six feet under with nothing to say anymore because he _can't_ leaves me without all the hatred and annoyance. There's nothing to be annoyed with, not anymore. And as much as I want to feel that familiar fury, all I feel is guilt and a twinge of something I-don't-know-what. I want to say sadness, but not even now will I let myself feel sad for that goddamned flea… Even now he's making my life worse. Figures; little shit…

I feel a raindrop hit the back of my neck; I look up to the sky. A water droplet lands on one of the blue-tinted lenses of my glasses, and it begins to sprinkle. I think to myself that maybe the heavens were waiting, and only now do they start crying. Maybe to make me feel bad. It's my turn for Karma, I guess. The rain comes down faster. I take my now-useless cigarette from my mouth, making sure the ashes are gone before I stick it in my pocket to throw it away later… I'm not leaving cigarettes at a burial ground.

It's not long before I'm soaked; it's actually coming down really hard. I don't really see anyone coming; I'm just gazing at the gravestone marked _Orihara Izaya_ and thinking. It's more of feeling a presence that makes me look up, and through the haze of rain I see Shinra approaching under a black umbrella. Oh, yeah. Perfect timing.

"So you came, huh…" It was more a statement from him than a question. I don't answer, and for once he accepts that and we just stand here in silence, staring at a grave. Shinra holds some kind of flower close. "I was going to leave this, but then it started to rain…," he explains, as if he knew I'd just glanced at the flower. To be honest, I don't really care about that either, and he doesn't say another word after that. All there is is silence and the hiss of the downpour. I still can't believe he's dead… It just doesn't make sense.

I'm the one who breaks the silence; I feel like my low, rough voice is disruptive to the rain. I'm actually kind of liking the sound of the rain, too. "Shinra…"

He blinks, surprised I'd spoken, I guess. "Hm? What is it, Shizuo?"

I'm silent for another few seconds. Then, "How many people visited him while he was in the hospital?"

Shinra's quiet. "Really…" he answers, "…it was just you, me, and Celty. Namie Yagiri, a woman who works for him, visited once, but that was all. I don't know about anyone else. I kinda wonder if he was ever lonely."

Only us, huh?… It makes sense. He really was an asshole, so I'm not surprised. "Lonely, in the hospital?" I ask him, and he shrugs.

"In the hospital, or just…at any time. I mean, I was curious about Izaya from the start; he really is an interesting character, don't you think? Well…to you he's just annoying."

Worse than that. Just continue.

"It's just that I'm only _really_ questioning things now, when it's too late and I can't do anything to figure it out or try and help him as a friend if anything really was wrong." He sighs. "I guess it'll have to remain a mystery."

Yeah, well, I don't like this kind of mystery. It's like…a cliffhanger. And cliffhangers have always pissed me off.

"How many came to his funeral?" I ask him, then.

"Well, Celty and I went," Shinra began, eyes looking upwards. "Then his two sisters; twins. They were there… A couple that I think were his parents… Ah, and Namie Yagiri, even though she didn't seem like the type to come." Shinra looks down, smiling a little. "That's seven… You know, it's nice seeing people at funerals… Not because the person is dead, I mean; that's terrible. But oftentimes it means they care. That's what I think is nice."

Well, I guess a lot of people who come to funerals come because they care, but others just go because they feel the need to, right? That's just people for you. I almost wonder how many actually cared for the flea. Probably not many. Fleas aren't exactly worth caring about. They're fleas. But…

"I can't help but keep thinking about those other personalities of his, though," Shinra continues. I'm half-listening while I gaze at this gravestone that shows me here and now what I once thought was impossible, or at least a long way off. "I wonder what they mean, and whether they really were pieces of him. Izaya was a terrible person with a disgusting personality, and I mean that in the best way possible, but maybe, just maybe, there was _something_ beneath that, however minuscule or hard to find. Or, yes, maybe he was just naturally the way he was, but what if there was a reason behind it? We'll never know. And even if those personalities were pieces of him, which pieces were they? Maybe there, we saw parts of Izaya we didn't know about. Maybe we really didn't know him. It's all so interesting…" He pauses. "It's also so sad, don't you think? Because…"

"Because he's not alive anymore," I say flatly, and he nods.

"Yeah, that."

It's quiet between us again. The rain starts to slow until the sky is only dripping like some towel wrung out not quite well enough. God damn it, why do I keep making comparisons that irritate me?

I hang my head, eventually deciding to leave, and I do just that. Shinra turns and looks at me, but he doesn't stop me. Just lets me go.

When I get home, the first thing I'll do is lie on my bed, staring at the ceiling and wondering if I'll be able to sleep tonight, tired but restless and filled with that _stupid_ guilt. I really do feel like it's my fault. It's not like I can take it back. It's over.

Izaya's dead.

That's it.

The end.

* * *

The guilt gets better as time goes on, and the world seems to shift back into place; back to normal but with one missing flea. I want to say my life's much better without Izaya, but even though I hated him; still hate him…there's still a part of me that feels bad, like I should have tried to help him get better a little more considering _I was the one who got him in the hospital in the first place_. But…time passes.

Sometimes, I think that it's almost like he was never here, but…he was. And he still irritates me. I'm surprised the maggot hasn't decided to haunt me to my grave. Shinra mentions that two of the five of his personalities were afraid of death. One of the remaining three didn't even understand death. Shinra wonders if Izaya himself was afraid. At first I scoff at the idea because Izaya afraid of anything doesn't seem quite right, but he _was_ human, so I guess he had to have _something._ But if he _was_ afraid of death…well, more guilt comes around at the idea.

Eventually I don't even feel as guilty anymore, though. It's just something that was bound to happen eventually… I will always feel responsible for the whole incident, so I guess the blame will never completely leave my head, but, well… We move on. It's as simple as that. I guess.

It's a year now since he died; I'm visiting him again since it's the day he died and all. I visit with a lopsided smile. "I hope you don't mind your greatest rival is moving on without you, Flea," I say; it's almost good-natured and a part of me wonders why it wasn't like this while he was alive. "You know, wherever you are…I actually kind of hope you're doing alright." I run my hand through my hair. "And…I meant to say this sooner, Flea, but I guess time doesn't matter to you so much right now, huh? Well…I wanted to say I'm sorry." I'm rubbing the back of my head. "I don't know whether it's _really_ my fault or not, but I feel like I've gotta apologize. And I know I'm just talking to a lifeless stone here, but it's all I've got to represent you, so…" I laugh a breathed kind of _heh_ , shaking my head just a little. "Weird that you're getting an apology from me, huh?" I stop there like I'm waiting for some kind of response. As if I'd get one. It's silent save for some birds chirping in a tree nearby. I stay for awhile, just standing and thinking for a long time. Eventually I smile lopsidedly and stick my hands in my pockets. "Well…see ya, Flea… I'll come and visit every once in awhile. I promise." No answer, as expected, and I turn to walk down the path back to the sidewalk.

I think sometimes about what Shinra and I might have missed, in my quieter, calmer moments where things actually seem peaceful. We always could see the way he looked down on humanity like Hibiya did, or the bitterness he had as in Roppi. Annoying childishness as in Psyche.

But maybe sometimes we couldn't see how deep the bitterness ran, maybe to the point he looked down on himself, too, like Roppi did. Maybe there was a part of him that really was just a child like Psyche with a fear of death. Maybe if he were here we could catch him having a gentle moment with whatever he might have had a soft spot for, whether it be kids or kittens or _whatever_ , his face for that small moment as kind as Sakuraya's. Maybe if he'd lived we'd learn exactly what Virus meant by 'incomplete,' because maybe Izaya himself had some missing pieces.

Maybe the disorder was created as a subconscious cry to try and find the real him, because maybe sometimes he didn't know himself.

It will always be maybes, and we never will find out whether we truly knew Izaya or not, but I guess I should be okay with that. I mean, after all, it's not like we can do anything about it.

I'm at ease as I exit the cemetery and close the gate back up behind me. It's time to go home and relax.

* * *

 **Thus ends Disorder. u.u**

 _ **Guest 1:**_ Aw, you even numbered yourself ;v; Hi again~  
Golly gee, you sure do speak my language. Ahh, what a perfect way to put it! It really does all just culminate into more doubts, huh? Always a mystery... I hope you're satisfied with the result!

 **Thank you for reading! Reviews would be fabulous~**

 **I'll be putting out my next short story today as well, so there's that. I hope everyone has a lovely day!**


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